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23 January 2008 @ 06:42 pm
Well, we learned yesterday we are not a match.

I do not know why I am writing here, this journal has been a waste because no one responds and I thought it would be a way for others to learn as we go along but well, it has not done that, has it?

So, this is the last entry.

We are not a match and we do not know why, all we can do is guess and assume which is never good.  The letter we sent was a form letter, telling us, "thank you but we are going with families that are a better match for their needs."

I feel that we were given false hope and mislead.  I wish they would take their photo off the site and I believe they should tell couples up front, "sorry, but we are looking at other families.  You do not have a chance."

Had we known this, we, well me, would have been able to be distant and not think about them being a part of our lives and family. 

I am full of rage, hurt, disappointment, sadness, and emptiness.  I want to say, well, here we go, lets find our kids but sadly, all I can think is, "okay, we are never going to be parents!  How many more years do we have to wait? AHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. Enough. Done. Done. Done."

There is no answer. There is no way to be rest assured or comforted.  I do not know how to keep at this, okay, let's be patient and try again.  What? Why?  To have yet another state, another group of people tell us we are not a match! We do not get to be parents? Not us, again and again.

Why can't I be a Mom? Why can't we be parents? When is it going to be our chance???????? Does anyone know this? No!

Life sucks and I wish I could be swallowed whole.  I understand now when friends have said before, "I can't be around kids. I am a failure as a women.  As a wife. What is my role?"

I feel like I am letting everyone down but right now, I am sorry, but I have to be selfish because I really wanted to be their Mom and see Brent be their Dad. I am sorry, but that is my dream and it has been 5 years and I do not know if I have it in me to keep trying.  I guess I am more weak than I realized.  I wish ........

05 January 2008 @ 07:52 pm
Happy New Year Everyone!

I am sorry I did not write for so long, not that any of you posted or were asking for info!  November was a tough time as a few days before Thanksgiving Brent's Grandpa Sam passed away and so, it was bitter sweet time for us.  Thankfully we were with family and one of the sweetest memories when we were at the gravesite and Brent was hugging his Mom and I looked around and thought, Grandpa Sam is with us and our children will have all this. Our kids will know all this love, history, memories, and stories. They will have what I so wanted all my life, a forever family!

we started Dec knowing that we were nearing the end of our classes and in fact, we finished with flying colors.  The 10 weeks flew by and we could hardly believe all that work, all the paperwork was coming to an end!  we got the rooms all done and now we are waiting!

I hate waiting and although I wish I could say I was a patient girl, I am not.  We decorated the house for Christmas and it was sad, as we put decorations in their rooms and prayed that they were having a Joyful Holiday.    The holidays were restful, sad, and lovely all at once. Restful because we enjoyed being together, having our traditions, sad because we were alone, without family or friends to share the day with us and create more memories and because we were still without our kids, and lovely, because it was our time to be together and we could look and think, next year we will hear our kids laughing and opening their gifts and our life will be complete!

It was 2 weeks ago that we heard from our case worker that she had mailed the Home Study to Nevada and that they were going to review it and get back to us in three weeks!  Three weeks instead of months, yeah!  We figured it would be longer given that this was right before Christmas when we found this out and so, we have been waiting, as patiently as we can!  It is good news that they are only going to take a few weeks to review our Home Study and hopefully, they will say that they think we are a match!  We are ready for them, and we are ready as we can be for the first visit, whether it is here or us going there!  We just want them to know we already love them and are here, arms open!

So, the Christmas decorations are being put up until next year and we are waiting, waiting to hear if we can adopt them and if so, when we can meet them and start the process of being their Mum and Dad.  Think of us dear friends because as y'all know, I am not good at waiting and this is DRIVING ME NUTS!

With care and peace

12 November 2007 @ 06:44 pm
Hi everyone

Sorry I have not posted in a few weeks but Brent and I both got sick with the flu and I have been playing catch up ever since!    Thankfully we are both better and this week will be the 7th week out of 10 for our adoption classes.  So far so good.  Our interim CW has been great and calling and emailing Nevada but so far, no concrete word.  We think it is safe to infer from her conversation with the CW in Nevada that the 2 little ones are still open to be adopted.  We are just waiting to see. Yep, all this waiting is driving me bonkers!

Once the classes are done, then we will be licensed (usually happens within 2 weeks after the last class), then our New and Permanent CW will do a Home Study and then we can get the kids (if they are still open for adoption).  So, it looks like we could get kids in Jan/Feb and if the kids we identified are no longer available, then we will look for a new bunch.  Once the kids come stay with us, 6 months later, the adoption is final!

We will keep all of you posted and hope as many of you that can, will join us the day the adoption is Final!!!!

Keep us in your thoughts, as we only have a few weeks left!

29 October 2007 @ 12:54 pm

I am home recovering from the flu or some such thing. Brent had it Friday night and starting feeling better yesterday, although his ribs hurt, he went back to work and I stayed home since I still had a fever.  So, I am home and lost in loop of thoughts.  It seems at times that the months are flying by and other moments, like today, that everything is moving so slowly that I feel I can't breathe. 
Being a Mom was a dream that for years I never believed would come true and it hurt to want it but when I did, I thought, oh I have plenty of time. Funny, plenty of time.  How I wish I had never told myself that.

I have so many friends giving birth right now and even though I have forgiven myself for not getting pregnant, every now and then, the pain of not being a Mom cuts at me.  Especially since I hold babies and think, oh, one of them could be mine. One day.

Sitting in the adoption class last week, I was talking with another couple and they are also adopting.  They want to foster to adopt and also adopt an infant.  I wish we had the money to adopt a baby. But it is so expensive.   Even adopting here in the states.  Minimum $30,000 for fees etc... No way. Even if it was $15,000, we could not afford to adopt a baby.  We do not know why we can't have a baby and maybe, just like everyone said, we will once we adopt.

It is the waiting that is so hard., Waiting to hear if the kids are available. Waiting for them to meet us, waiting for them to bond with us (if they do), waiting.... I feel so inpatient.  I feel like I am already a Mom but just do not have my kids to mother. Silly, huh?

Well, I thought this journal would get us all talking but so far, not so much.  I will give it a few more weeks and then maybe drop it.

26 October 2007 @ 06:42 pm
Hi ya everyone:We had our first home visit last night and it went well.  Our CW is so great.   It helps that she is so passionate about her job and about helping us!
I have to admit (I know, I know) that I was worried since the house is such a mess (in my opinion) but she said it was fine!
We got great marks for getting all the paperwork in on time (and mostly early)!  we only have a few more things to get in, so we are ahead of the game.
Thanks for everyone input on the letters we wrote to the kids and their parents.  Our CW said they were great and really heartfelt!
Our CW walked through the house with us and helped us to understand what we needed to do.  We have to lock up all cleaning products, meds, Brent's guns (actually he just has to take them apart), etc.. so, we decided to just change the locks on the doors for the laundry room and kitchen.  We will put all those products in those 2 places and we should be good to go. 
Our new bed is getting delivered this Wed and they will move our current bed into the other kids room.
We should have the rooms all set by next week-end.
We are going to split the children's books and stuffed animals that we have collected over the years between the two rooms so that should help them look more sweet and welcoming!
We decided that even if the two children we want to adopt from NV are no longer available, we do want to adopt a brother and sister, 7 and under in age.  We think that will be the best all around and easier for them to bond with us and feel the love we have for them.  ALong with the security, safety, and acceptance.  We are still waiting to hear from NV, as our CW has called repeatedly and we just found out last night that their message lines are down and erased all messages left after 8/07! So, she is emailing them and calling on their other line.  Hopefully, we will get some news either way, soon.  Once we know, we will go from there and if we need to look for another pair, we will!
Keep us in your thoughts and prayers, please!
Oh, you should be getting contacted for our reference letters soon Nancy & Lawrence, Martha & Pops, Donna, Caryn, and Jennifer and Daniel.  If they need more letters, they will contact our other references that we listed.
We will update as we go along.  6 weeks left!
Peace be with you
23 October 2007 @ 06:56 pm
Hi everyone.

Well, I am as you have all seen, a dork. Could not get all this figured out (the journal).  So, here is hoping I have it all figured out and you can send me replies.

Brent & I had a productive week-end.  We found 4 dressers for the kids rooms: 2 were white, old but in good shape and should be fun for a little girl (we hope) to decorate and make her own.  One will go by the bedside and serve as a bed side dresser.  The other two are Mission inspired and also lovely.  So, we are moving right along.

We bought 2 small chairs since we had one already in one room, these are tiny (one is big enough for a teddy bear) and the other was on sale at Target and sits low to the ground and is a rocker!  The cover is washable so that should help.  Our new bed comes next Wed and then they will move our current bed into the other room for the other child (we hope a little boy) to sleep in!

We are going to finish clearing out the 2nd room this week-end (it has been housing all my school stuff).

We are still waiting to hear from the kids SW in Nevada if the one's we identified and want to adopt are still available to be adopted.  The waiting is hard.  I am doing a lot of prayer and sending it out to the universe, that if it is meant to be, we will know and be blessed to be their parents.  I sure hope so!  Maybe all of you can keep us in your thoughts and prayers not to mention sending some positive energy out our way!

It looks like we are going to have our first home visit this week.  I might stay up late or come home early to make certain it looks as clean as possible!  I guess they will see how we really live! :)

We have to buy some locked boxes this week-end for all the cleaning supplies.

The classes so far (this will be week 4) are fine.  Most of what is covered we already know but I think being around other people helps and feels more supportive.  Using real life cases also makes it more applicable.  The other good thing is that the fee is waived.  We were willing to pay $800 but now we can use that (which we did) to get the rooms ready.

Well, that is it for now. let me know if you have any questions!

21 October 2007 @ 08:31 am
Hi everyone!

Brent and I have attended our first 3 adoption classes and so far so good.  It seems to me to be stuff we already know such as what to expect with kids that have been in foster care ( since I grew up there, I kinda know that like a pro) and how to deal with trauma.  It is doing home work and role playing and getting together in groups to look at case histories and identify what the issues are for those kids.  We had to complete a lot of paperwork even more than we thought but that is okay, it makes us feel one step closer to being done.  The facilitators are nice and very passionate about their work which makes it all easier to go through. The classes are long! 3 hours and after working from 6:30-5, well we are more than a bit tired. We are only 1 of 2 couples interested in adoption, everyone else is there to be foster parents. I have to bite my tongue and not say much as they really emphasize 'reunification,' which we all know how I feel about that.  I feel supported by our case worker but do not know the others in class well enough to say how I feel about them.

We should have our first 'home visit' within the next few weeks so, we have been busting to get ready for that.  We got most everything out of the room we had been using for the office and now the office is in the dining room, not too bad.  Hopefully we can get it all cleaned up next week-end and then it will be ready for the bed and furniture.

On the tip from a friend,  we went yesterday and bought 2 old dressers (great shape) painted white (sweet) from The Second Hand Man and they were only $35 and $43! I know. Great deal. One of them was so sweet because it was old and the shape was just lovely.  It will be great, esp. for a little girl.  We figured one of the kids can keep them white and decorate them and change the handles and it won't matter since they were so cheap.  We also bought a childs chair, white wicker that rocks and it is so adorable!  Even if they do not sit in it, I think a stuffed animal or 2 will find a home in that chair! I could not resist!

Brent is going to borrow this same friends truck and go Monday to pick up the 2 dressers and also buy the 2 other dressers we found.  These are a bit nicer as they are Mission Style Inspired and a great price. Better than buying them brand new! So, we should be set after that.  We got a small turquoise blue chair that rocks ($20 at Target) that will also go in the other room with the white dressers, as I think that will be the little girls room.  Because we have that red (now faded to light red) chair from IKEA that I have had for how many years (?) in the other room.  We are trying to make both rooms be equal as far as furniture and bits.  So, we got really good deals yesterday!

We decided after asking loads of friends, teachers, and our social worker that we are giving the 2nd child our current bed ( a Queen), as it is in good shape and they can grow into it.  We can replace the mattress down the road.  It is nice and big and that should help. We will buy new sheets and stuff for that child, closer to the date we get them.

So, since we made that HUGE decision about the bed, we went yesterday and bought ourselves a KING size Sleep Number so now, we can finally sleep through the night and I can stop complaining about Brent rolling over and waking me up!  Now, everyone knows we have wanted a large bed for years and had to wait because of cost. We hope to have it paid off in 9 months.  We know we need a second car and it was either buy the kids new beds that they will outgrow in a few years or buy ourselves a new bed, now. So, we are just going to have to juggle one car and 2 kids for now.  We hope with our careful financial planning to buy a new (2nd car) in 9 or 10 months.  We just do not think it is doable to buy a 2nd car right now as then finances would be toooooooo tight.  We can do it! (RIGHT)!

Now, some of you have asked when will they be calling you for those references and I am not sure. Soon, I think?  If I find out, I will tell you! Promise!  I want all of you to know having your love and support means the world to us! It does. We could not do this if we thought we were alone and did not have you there to back us up!  WE wish everyone lived closer but we hope we can hold you all to coming here and spending time with us once the kids are here! PLEASE! AND Martha, Nancy, Donna, Caryn, and Suz and everyone else, that means stay a week, 2 or a month, really!

We had our social worker call the kids we identified that we want to adopt, the 2 little ones from NV and she is waiting to hear back from their Social Worker.  We wanted to know if the kids are still available to be adopted or if their current foster parents are hoping to adopt them and if so, well, we will wish them love and look for another pair, and if they are free to be adopted, can we arrange for a meeting? Perhaps have a visit with them over the holidays? Etc..  We want their social worker to know we are serious about this pair!  They are so sweet and something about them, from the first time I saw their picture, what 8 or 9 months ago, I have not been able to get them out of my head and Brent concurs, they are cute!  But, I know, it could be that they are no longer available and if so, we will be happy that they found their family and pray, we find another sibling pair to adopt!  I think we definately want a brother and sister, with the oldest being 6, as that seems like a good age group to start with.

We had previously thought older but we think our first adoption should be younger children.  These 2 in NV are 5 and 6.  SO, those are the ages we are looking at.  I will keep you posted on all that! The waiting is torture!  Keep us in your prayers our friends! Please!

Well, that is about it. I have to go write some papers for school. Share your thoughts and questions and I will do my best to answer as we go!  Maybe the next post will be more profound!

Much love and misses